I finally got to hold her...

Tonight was a bit harsh for baby Aubrey. It seems the pain of hunger has gotten to her because she couldn't stop crying, and I couldn't stop the guilt of not being able to feed her. We have to wait for the surgeon's OK before we can give her milk. It's so horrible to have to wait!!

But I was able to hold her tonight and hum her a lullabye that helped her to fall asleep. My poor little lady.......... she is going through so much.........

Have I said this enough?

I really hate seeing Aubrey sleeping peacefully only because she's got morphine in her. How I love the thought, though, that she's not feeling as much pain..... but I wish she were asleep only because she's sleeping and resting, not from the drug :(

My poor babygirl..... I can't wait until she's off this whole thing.

We miss you Gerard!!

Where do I even begin to express how much I miss my little brat?

It feels like I haven't seen him in a whole month, which pretty much is a fact. In between moving, settling down, giving birth to his new sister and going back to the hospital for her surgery, we have barely seen our bouncy boy. I miss him so much. The few times we have spent together -- which is barely a week in the last 30 days -- it feels like he has grown up so much! We call the little guy just about every day we aren't with him, and he's talking so much now. As his momma, I can't believe I'm missing all of this. But at the same time, I can't leave his baby sister alone at the hospital while she's recovering from surgery.

The day we brought his new sister home, Gerard was so excited. The smile on his face was priceless. Him wanting to touch his new sister was also priceless! And then knocking on our bedroom door first thing the following morning to say "Papa... Mama.... Bebe!" was very priceless too! He is very aware of his new baby sister :) Unfortunately, our reunion didn't last very long because we had to take her back to the hospital for a much-needed surgery. Once again, we had to say goodbye to our little man.... he cried and didn't want us to leave him.

We gave him a call today (he's been staying with grandma) and he mumbled a whole lot of toddler talk, but he did say "bebe." I'm sure he misses us just as much as we miss him.

We'll be home soon, Gerard. We love you so much.
 

"Maybe tomorrow"

That's the one phrase that's not such good news, but not bad news. Aubrey's surgeon determined that her NG tube (??) will be pulled today and then monitor how her system is without it, then "maybe tomorrow" she can eat. It pains us to see and hear her cry from the hunger. The best we can do is cradle her and make her go back to sleep to forget about it. Poor little angel......   Babies don't deserve any of this! They should be home, being fed and crying for more, and not hooked up to any tubes.

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Out of ICU

We finally got to leave ICU and into a room that we can now share with Aubrey. This room is a lot less lonely! Especially now that we can sleep with her in the same room. She's still on IV, but that's pretty much it. No more oxygen, no more ventilator. Aubrey's making great progress.

The super nurses here have let me keep the pump and even brought the gamecube up to our room.... it wasn't even our request to have one in ICU, but nobody else was using it, so for some reason it followed us out of ICU. Papa might be pleased with that later when he comes here after work.

I'm a bit happier now with this progress, though the nurses and doctors in ICU were wonderful and so very helpful with EVERYTHING. To us, this means we're getting closer to being able to feed Aubrey.

The only bad news is that her jaundice level went up again. I'm hoping it goes down down down so she wouldn't have to go into photo therapy.

I've been kept entertained by friends (thanks guys!) via online chat and texting. Since Papa isn't here, the only conversations I have in person are with nurses regarding Aubrey. Another round of waiting, and I really hope we're getting closer to going home. I miss Gerard so much!!!!
 

Another day of waiting

We finally saw Aubrey's surgeon first thing this morning, and we're told she lost blood but nothing too bad.... so she will need another day to just lay in her crib hooked up to the IV. This means I can't feed her until "maybe" tomorrow. The nurses had to move her IV to her foot because her hand started swelling. Poor baby :( I really am in disbelief she's going through all of this...... lost blood, swelling and bruised hands..... she also has a bruised heel from another needle.......... everytime I think about why we're here it still makes me cry, but the only comfort I have is that if we didn't bring her in I would be crying sadder tears.

Little Aubrey's been crying on and off (we're told that's a good thing). She's finally letting out stool along with urine, so that's a very good sign. Surgeon also said we could hold her a little more today, but since she spends most of the day asleep, I won't be able to hold her until she's awake... which lasts about a minute at a time. I don't know how to express it anymore just how much I want to hold her for good, feed her the milk she deserves, and for us to be home already and reunited with her brother (whom I am always thinking about and missing so very much right now). But I know I can't rush her recovery, we have to take it by the day. I'm trying to keep my anxiety levels down with internet distraction while I sit across the room from Aubrey, but in this situation, even the internet is getting boring. I get up every few minutes or so to look at her or stroke her hair, stroke her head, stroke her foot.... Papa ended up going to work today though he was scheduled to be on vacation until Tuesday. But since we're in just a waiting period, we figured it's best he goes to work and save his last 2 days of vacation for when we're home.

Every chance I get Aubrey hears from me how she's a brave little soldier. Because she is. How her little body is going through so much right now, without our constant touch on her skin... she's swaddled up, that's all that's holding her tight. I am so anxious to hold her against me......... Even with all these things on her face, she's so beautiful. I'm thankful that she's even in my life, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life watching her and her brother grow.
 

Another day of waiting

We finally saw Aubrey's surgeon first thing this morning, and we're told she lost blood but nothing too bad.... so she will need another day to just lay in her crib hooked up to the IV. This means I can't feed her until "maybe" tomorrow. The nurses had to move her IV to her foot because her hand started swelling. Poor baby :( I really am in disbelief she's going through all of this...... lost blood, swelling and bruised hands..... she also has a bruised heel from another needle.......... everytime I think about why we're here it still makes me cry, but the only comfort I have is that if we didn't bring her in I would be crying sadder tears.

Little Aubrey's been crying on and off (we're told that's a good thing). She's finally letting out stool along with urine, so that's a very good sign. Surgeon also said we could hold her a little more today, but since she spends most of the day asleep, I won't be able to hold her until she's awake... which lasts about a minute at a time. I don't know how to express it anymore just how much I want to hold her for good, feed her the milk she deserves, and for us to be home already and reunited with her brother (whom I am always thinking about and missing so very much right now). But I know I can't rush her recovery, we have to take it by the day. I'm trying to keep my anxiety levels down with internet distraction while I sit across the room from Aubrey, but in this situation, even the internet is getting boring. I get up every few minutes or so to look at her or stroke her hair, stroke her head, stroke her foot.... Papa ended up going to work today though he was scheduled to be on vacation until Tuesday. But since we're in just a waiting period, we figured it's best he goes to work and save his last 2 days of vacation for when we're home.

Every chance I get Aubrey hears from me how she's a brave little soldier. Because she is. How her little body is going through so much right now, without our constant touch on her skin... she's swaddled up, that's all that's holding her tight. I am so anxious to hold her against me......... Even with all these things on her face, she's so beautiful. I'm thankful that she's even in my life, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life watching her and her brother grow.